My sweet Jeremiah, This past Thursday, June 10th, marked the day that you were estimated to arrive to us; and it is still so hard to believe that you are never going to be here alive this side of heaven. You've been on my mind so much over the last week, and I wish somehow that I could hold you again. I miss you more than I can possible tell you, Sweetheart. Not a day goes by that I don't find myself thinking about how things would have been if you hadn't been taken from us so soon. I am at peace with God's decision to take you home, but the sadness is still so overwhelming sometimes that I feel like it will destroy me. Having your picture on the necklace that I made and wearing it every day is such a comfort to me. It hangs right near my heart, and the symbolism of that is so meaningful. The necklace often brings a smile to my face because, even though I leave your picture turned in toward my body when I'm at work, I can't tell you how many times each week I look down and find you faced out toward the world. This is a small, quiet gift from God to me because I WANT YOU TO BE SEEN AND KNOWN BY EVERYONE. It was hard for me to stop the tears from flowing this last Thursday because the world has gone on; I look around at the bustle around me, and it's clear that the people milling about don't know about you. There is such a longing in me for everyone to deeply understand how important you are and how much this world has lost by you not being here, but I realize that I can't hold this against anyone. They have no way of knowing apart from me, your daddy and our families. And that, I guess, is why I wear your necklace every day. It occasionally gives me opportunities to share your story, and my mommy heart needs that desperately. You remain such an incredibly important and precious part of me, and I am SO PROUD OF YOU.
I'm starting to cry again as I write this, and I'm finding myself wondering how long it will hurt like this. Part of me is hoping that the pain never stops. As long as it remains, I am connected to you somehow; and that is so, so precious to me.
I am pregnant with your little brother or sister right now, and I chose to share the news with everyone on Thursday, YOUR due date; and I hope that's ok with you. In no way does it mean that this new baby can, in any way, replace you, my sweetheart. That would be completely impossible. I just knew that passing your due date without you was going to hurt so much, and I wanted to redeem that pain by sharing the news of the new life God is giving us. Now that I explain that to you, though, I almost wish that we hadn't told about the new baby yet. God has already redeemed that pain without this new baby in how He has shown Himself to be faithful since your death, and maybe we should have just focused on that on Thursday. I don't want to rush past you. I don't want to gloss over your death in favor of happier things because you are worth every moment of sadness to me! However, I believe so deeply that you are now ALIVE in a way I haven't achieved yet, and I trust that you are celebrating the life of your new little brother or sister too. So it's ok for me to move on to celebrating this new baby while holding your memory close, although part of me feels like I'm just trying to quickly get past the pain.Life can be so confusing down here, Jeremiah. I am SO GRATEFUL TO GOD that you will never experience that or the death of someone you love. As the Watermark song says, "Heaven is your home, and it's all you'll ever know." PRAISE GOD! You will never experience the curse of sin apart from the death you encountered while inside of me. You are free and forever will be. How could I want anything else for you than that?? And yet, I do believe that you are waiting to be in my arms again. You and I are connected in a way that no other human relationship can touch, and I believe that you will run to me when I see you again as much as I will run to you. I am so grateful that there is a future in which I can be your mommy "for real." I know it may look quite different than that does down here, but I do believe you will know me as "Mommy." I can't wait until the day that I can hear you call me by that name. There is so much to look forward to on the New Earth with you, and that helps as I navigate your loss now. I don't know how I would cope without the belief that I will see you again and that Christ is holding you for me now.
There is a book called "I Promise I'll Find You" that I bought for you before we even knew you existed, and I want to include the end of it here since I won't have the chance to read it to you.
"And if I had no other way, I'd walk or crawl or run. I'd search to the very ends of the earth, For you my precious one.
So remember this my darling, For it is very true. If ever you're apart from me, I'll search till I find you."
Oh my little peanut, you must find this completely ridiculous. I am revising your due date yet again. We've had two ultrasounds now, and you are definitely not measuring at the due date the OB GYN clinic has set (January 6th); you are consistently measuring for a due date of January 9th or 10th. Like I've said before, I realize that the due date is only an estimate; but it's important to me that I get your information correct on here so you will know most accurately what was going on with you.Also, I am very sorry that I have been so delinquent in updating this blog. Mommy has had a very busy last three weeks, and these pregnancy hormones have been making me pretty sick and taking all of my energy!
Since I already updated when I thought you were at seven weeks (May 20th), I won't do that again now, but I want to show you an actual picture of you at 7 weeks, 2 days that was taken at our ultrasound on May 25th!The small white arrow in the picture is pointing to you. The little circle above you is the yolk sac that is currently feeding you. It will be absorbed by my body when your placenta is finished forming. We got to hear your amazing little heartbeat on the 25th too, and Mommy recorded it on my cell phone. I listen to it ALL THE TIME because I can't get enough of it. It is the most beautiful sound in the world to me. It means that you're alive, which I am so grateful to God for.
These were your stats at eight weeks (or Sunday, May 30th):
Your arms and legs were growing longer
Your fingers and outer ear were beginning to form
Your eyes and nipples were visible
Your body was beginning to straighten out
You may have begun to move already!! Mommy can't feel it yet (and probably won't be able to until some time in August), but that is so exciting!
You were about a half inch long
These were your stats at nine weeks (or Sunday, June 6th):
Your arms were continuing to grow, your arm bones were hardening, and you were even forming elbows!
Your toes were beginning to form
Your eyelids and ears were continuing to develop
You were about 3/4 inch long
Your daddy and I had a second ultrasound at nine weeks, two days on June 8th; and we got to see you again and hear your heartbeat! Look at how much you've grown! The small circle is still your yolk sac, but the image that looks like a peanut is you! I'm so proud of how you're growing!
I'm so in awe of the miracle that you are, sweetheart! I just wish there was some way for me to see you face to face and feel you move. January 9th feels like it's so far away, but I would wait forever if I had to. I can't wait to see you again on July 6th!
These will be your stats as of tomorrow, at ten weeks:
Your head is becoming more round
Your neck is developing
Your eyelids are beginning to close to protect your beautiful eyes
The parts that will make you either a boy or a girl are developing
I'm so proud of you, my little peanut. Thank you for letting me share this journey with you. I love you so much.
Well my new little monkey, Mommy is about to confuse you. Up until my first OB appointment last Tuesday the 11th, I believed that I was due on January 9th, which meant that you would be another week older every Sunday. However, I was informed at this appointment (and this is something they've told me before) that, since the due date is only an estimate, they just go by 40 weeks from the first date of Mommy's last p-----. (I'll just edit that word out to avoid awkward questions. :P) Besides, I'm not really sure if my cycle is longer than 28 days anyway. I've never been good at keeping track. SO, you're "new" due date estimate is Thursday, January 6th, which means that you grow to be another week older every Thursday, not Sunday. However, in the end, none of this is very precise at all. We won't be able to tell much until I get a couple of ultrasounds under my belt.
I didn't update when we hit six weeks, and I'm sorry about that. Mommy was very sick with a cold last week and stayed in bed a lot. Therefore, I will update for both six weeks and seven weeks now.
As of last Thursday, the 13th, these were your stats:
Your neural tube closed! What an achievement. We won't know for sure that this all happened correctly yet, but God will take care of you and I no matter what happens. :)
Your little heart was pumping blood like crazy!
Your cute little face was beginning to form!
You were about 1/6-1/4 inch long!
This is about what you looked like:
I realize that a lot of this is similar to what I wrote last time. It's sometimes hard to figure out exactly when things happen.
Anyway, this is what will be going on with you as of this Thursday, the 20th:
You have tiny, visible nostrils! I bet you have a button nose just like your mommy!
Your eye lenses are forming!
Your little arm buds have grown into what look like little paddles.
You are about 1/4-1/3 inch long, or about the size of a pencil eraser.
This is what you look like. Quite the difference from last week, huh?
I love you, my little sweat pea! For my update next week, I should be able to show you a picture of what you REALLY look like! I'm getting my first ultrasound on Tuesday the 25th, and I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU!!! And to hear your perfect little heartbeat...
Congratulations, Sweetheart! You are now the size of the tip of a pen (or about 1/16 and 1/8th of an inch)! Tomorrow I will be five weeks along, which means that you've been alive for three weeks! You have a lot of work to do this week, so Mommy will try to make sure that I eat lots of protein, folic acid and iron over the next few days. :)
This is what's going on with you right now:
You have grown from 500 microscopic cells to the size of a pen tip! How I wish there was some away for me to see you! I am counting down the days until I can.
The neural tube along your back is starting to close. This is OH SO important! Mommy is taking in A LOT of folic acid to make sure that this happens properly. I am praying that God will protect you in this process.
Your heart should begin beating today or tomorrow (if it isn't already!).
This week, your facial features should begin appearing, including the arch of your jaw and the tiny passageways that will make up your inner ear.
Your body is starting to form into a c-shape, and small buds are appearing that will soon become your arms and legs.
This is about what you look like right now:
I am so proud of how fearfully and wonderfully made you are! The fact that all of this is happening inside of me without me really being aware of it is so amazing to me, and I wouldn't trade being a part of this for anything.
This week, I scheduled my first doctor's appointment and ultrasounds, and I can't wait for them to get here! This Tuesday, the 11th, I will go in so that they can draw some blood, confirm your due date and ask me a bunch of questions. Everyone is being a lot more cautious this time around since your brother was stillborn in January. We all want you to be born healthy, Sweetheart.
To make sure of that, Dr. Cline has scheduled me for two ultrasounds before you have even been alive for two months! My first ultrasound is on Tuesday, May 25th. I will be a little over seven weeks pregnant, which you will be a little over five weeks old! I can't tell you how excited I am for that first ultrasound. Your daddy and I should be able to see your little heartbeat flickering on the screen, and we may even be able to hear it already! Then, on Tuesday, June 8th, Dr. Cline is going to do another ultrasound just to check up on you and make sure everything is going ok. She cares so much about your health, and I'm hoping that she will be able to deliver you when the time comes.
Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this amazing process. I am so thankful to be your mommy.
It's still so hard for me to believe that I have a reason to be writing this to you. Your daddy and I found out this morning that you are growing inside of me, and I want you to know that we are SO HAPPY to know that you are alive! If everything goes well (and I am praying that it will), you will be in our arms on or before Sunday, January 9th, 2011. According to what I've read, I believe that you've been alive since April 18th, which means that you are technically 13 days old today. Once you are born, everyone around you will celebrate that day as your birthday; but please know that I will always remember April 18th as the day that your life began. Your daddy and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary on Monday, April 19th, so I look at you as God's amazing anniversary present to us.
I hope that these letters to you will be a blessing to you some day. I want them to remind you that you could not have been more wanted by us.
Here are your stats as of tomorrow, Sunday, May 2nd:
You are now made up of 500 microscopic cells.
Your tiny body is forming into three layers. The outer layer will become your nervous systems, eyes, inner ear and a whole lot of connective tissue. The middle layer will become your bones, muscles, kidneys and reproductive system (your daddy and I will explain what that means when you're older). The inner layer will become your lungs, intestines and bladder.
You are such a little miracle, Sweetheart; and I am so proud of you.
It has now been 72 days since we found out Jeremiah was gone from us and 86 since Jesus carried him home. In the grand scheme of things, I guess that isn't very long, but I swear I've lived a lifetime since then. My doctor gave the ok on February 22nd for Jason and I to start trying for another baby, but we found out on Friday that we need to regroup and give it another shot this month. So there will be no baby this year. On one hand, I am relieved that this year will be Jeremiah's, but part of me was so hoping that my first trimester with our next baby would be through by Jeremiah's due date, which is how it would have been if we had conceived last month. I'm very nervous about not being pregnant when Jeremiah's due date, June 1oth, comes because I know friends who are due right around that time; and I don't know how I'm going to handle pictures of them and their little ones if I am not on my way to having a sweet baby to fill my empty arms as well. My goodness, I would have been 30 weeks pregnant this past Thursday if he were still with me... That means in the same amount of time from now that it's been since we lost him, he would be here. But he isn't here, and he won't be. There will be no breastfeeding him or smelling his sweet baby skin or watching him smile for the first time or hearing his sweet little voice say "Mama" or watching Jason learn to take care of him. I would give up sleep for a thousand nights if it meant that I could spend those sleepless hours holding him and watching him breathe and listening to his heartbeat. God forgive me if I EVER complain about not sleeping enough because of taking care of our children or about all the things I don't get to do because my time is taken up with them.
Just writing these thoughts down makes me feel like my mind is teetering on the brink of going crazy. There have been moments over the last ten weeks when I have honestly felt like I was losing my grip on reality. Mothers are not supposed to outlive their children. Miscarriages are not supposed to be a threat after the first trimester. Babies at 18 weeks are not supposed to be strong enough to twist their umbilical cords so much that their mothers' blood and food and oxygen cannot get to them. I know why these things happen in light of Genesis 3, but my eternal soul also knows that creation was made for more than this. This violates every quiet sense of God's original and ultimate design for His people. And screaming, "It is not supposed to be like this!!" does not weaken my faith because I believe with all of my heart that, when I think that way, God agrees. He wants more than this for us and is working all things together to save us from this mess that the Fall has created. Even the Son of God wept at the death of a friend. He, as the Creator of All, knew better than anyone ever will how true it is that IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!
His completely divine and completely human heart broke at death. And then He did what only He could do. He rose Lazarus from the dead. He reached into the depths of the Curse and reversed death. How gloriously symbolic! If that had been the only miracle Jesus had done in front of the people, it would have been enough to scream of what He was determined to accomplish on the Cross: "I, alone, am able to rescue you from the eternal death your sin has brought upon your souls, and I will do it. I will give up my life and rise from the dead so that you can LIVE FOREVER! I will forever shatter the hold of the Curse on those who will follow me as Lord. Those who physically die IN ME will now be granted the right to dwell in absolute Goodness and Joy and Peace and Fulfillment FOREVER because there will no longer be any separation between God and His people as the result of sin. I will pay the price so that My people can be free of the Curse FOREVER."
My sweet Jeremiah was not old enough to hear the story of Christ and accept Him by faith as His Lord. So what does this mean for him? Screw academic theological debate. My mommy heart will not and cannot be satisfied with half-argued, half thought through, uninvested academic opinions and feel good, "funeral one-liner," pat answers that let people off the hook on very real, "where the rubber meets the road" issues. I realized shortly after we knew that Jeremiah had died that, in all my time at Northwestern, I had never once heard a convincing BIBLICAL argument for infant salvation. Enough people had thrown around the tired phrase "age of accountability," but I had never been shown biblical support that children before a certain age are covered by Christ's sacrifice even though they have not been able to volitionally claim Him as Lord. And, honestly, I had never taken the time to search what the Bible had to say myself because it didn't matter much to me.
But it matters now. More than I can possibly help you to understand.
By God's amazing grace, He sent a man named John Walker into my life. John is the minister of discipleship at Beech Haven Baptist, where Jason and I attend church with Jason's parents, and John gave the sermon at Jeremiah's memorial service the day after he was born. On the second of February, Jason and I went in to talk with John about references in his sermon to Scriptural support for infant salvation. There were three passages that he pointed us to, but one in particular has left no doubt in my mind that my baby is waiting for me and that Jason and I will see him again and live with him forever on the New Earth.
The passage is Deuteronomy 1: 20-40. Before I include it here, let me summarize the Old Testament story. The book of Exodus outlines the slavery of God's people, the Israelites, to the Egyptians. The harshness of their slavery caused the Israelites to cry out to God for deliverance, and He sent Moses and his brother Aaron to lead the people out of Egypt. Because Pharaoh would not let the people leave, God sent a progression of plagues on the Egyptian people while obviously protecting His own people to prove His power as the One True God. These plagues culminated in God declaring that every firstborn in the land of Egypt would die on a single night unless the people were set free. Pharaoh's heart was hardened; and, before sending the last plague, God instructed His people to kill a lamb and paint their doorposts with its blood so that the angel of death would "pass over" their households and not take their firstborn children. Every firstborn in the land of Egypt died that night except for those of the households whose doorposts were covered by the lamb's blood. As the result of this, Pharaoh finally released the people, and they fled as far as the Red Sea. Shortly after they left, Pharaoh changed his mind and sent his army out after the Israelites. They found Israel at the shore of the Red Sea. The Israelites were certain they would be killed and cried out to God.
It was then that God parted the Red Sea. His people walked through on dry land; and, when the Egyptians attempted to follow, the Sea came down upon them, and they all drowned. And, so, God saved His people from slavery to the Egyptians and promised them a good land that He would give them as their inheritance if they kept His commands. Over the next forty years, God led them through the wilderness with His presence in a cloud during the day and in fire at night. During those forty years, the Israelites rebelled against God in every way imaginable; and, when they reached the edge of the land that God was going to give them, they chose not to believe God's promise that He would be with them and defeat every enemy they encountered. Even after spies had returned saying that the land was good, the people gave into fear and did not put their faith in God. As the result, God declared that no one but two faithful men, Joshua and Caleb, along with all of the children who did not yet know right from wrong, would be allowed into the Promised Land. The rest of Israel turned back to the wilderness.
Deuteronomy 1: 20-40 tells the story of the choosing of those who were allowed into the Promised Land:
20And I [Moses] said to you [the Israelites], 'You have come to the hill country of the Amorites, which the LORD our God is giving us. 21See, the LORD your God has set the land before you. Go up, take possession, as the LORD, the God of your fathers, has told you. Do not fear or be dismayed.' 22Then all of you came near me and said, 'Let us send men before us, that they may explore the land for us and bring us word again of the way by which we must go up and the cities into which we shall come.' 23The thing seemed good to me, and I took twelve men from you, one man from each tribe. 24And they turned and went up into the hill country, and came to the Valley of Eshcol and spied it out. 25And they took in their hands some of the fruit of the land and brought it down to us, and brought us word again and said, 'It is a good land that the LORD our God is giving us.'
26"Yet you would not go up, but rebelled against the command of the LORD your God. 27Andyou murmured in your tents and said, 'Because the LORDhated us he has brought us out of the land of Egypt, to give us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us. 28Where are we going up? Our brothers have made our hearts melt, saying, "The people are greater and taller than we. The cities are great and fortified up to heaven. And besides, we have seenthe sons of the Anakim there."' 29Then I said to you, 'Do not be in dread or afraid of them. 30The LORD your God who goes before youwill himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, 31and in the wilderness, where you have seen how the LORD your Godcarried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place.' 32Yet in spite of this word, you did not believe the LORD your God, 33 who went before you in the wayto seek you out a place to pitch your tents, in fire by night and in the cloud by day, to show you by what way you should go.
34"And the LORD heard your words and was angered, and he swore, 35 'Not one of these men of this evil generation shall see the good land that I swore to give to your fathers, 36except Caleb the son of Jephunneh. He shall see it, and to him and to his children I will give the land on which he has trodden, because he has wholly followed the LORD!' 37Even with methe LORD was angry on your account and said, 'You also shall not go in there. 38Joshua the son of Nun, who stands before you, he shall enter. Encourage him, for he shall cause Israel to inherit it.39And as foryour little ones, who you said would become a prey, and your children, who todayhave no knowledge of good or evil, they shall go in there. And to them I will give it, and they shall possess it. 40But as for you, turn, and journey into the wilderness in the direction of the Red Sea.'
So what does this have to do with Jeremiah being in Heaven? Please let me show you the symbols in this!
Slavery in Egypt: symbol of humanity's slavery to sin
God passing over the households who wiped the blood of a lamb on the doorposts: symbol pointing to Jesus shedding His blood so that those who follow Him as Lord will be saved from Hell and eternal separation from God and, therefore, everything good
The Israelites wandering in the wilderness with evidence of God's love, provision and leadership all around them: symbol of humanity's inability to follow God through its own power; symbol of every person's innate rejection of God even though evidence of Him and His faithful love is SO CLEAR
The Promised Land: symbol Heaven and God's people's eternal home, the New Earth
If we follow this symbolism, the land that the Israelites were led to stands for HEAVEN AND THE NEW EARTH! And who were let into the Promised Land by God? Joshua and Caleb, who were faithful to God (symbolizing all those who claim and follow Christ as Lord), AND the little ones and children who did not yet know good from evil (vs. 39). Now, I love symbols, and I believe with all of my heart that the interpretation of the symbols above is accurate and that God included such symbols to help us understand His redemptive work in history. And I think it is EXTREMELY significant that God would make a point of including the Israelite children who did not yet know right from wrong (good from evil) in the small group that got to enter the Promised Land. I think I can safely conclude from this that children who don't yet know good from evil are covered by Christ's work on the cross and are, therefore, welcomed into the kingdom of Heaven even though they are not yet able to understand the gospel message and accept Christ as Lord.
That got a little academic sounding, I know; but you must believe that I'm not just spouting head knowledge. THIS MEANS THAT OUR SON IS ALIVE IN HEAVEN WITH CHRIST AND THAT I WILL SEE HIM AGAIN!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!
Tomorrow is Easter Sunday, and it is set aside for believers to celebrate Christ's sacrifice on the Cross. Because of Him, death has lost its sting, and there is now a way for us to live with God and, therefore, everything Good and Right and Just and Perfect and Wonderful and Extraordinary and Joyful and Liberating FOREVER!
And guess what? That includes my baby. *sob* Jeremiah is safe and alive and I will see him again because Christ loved us enough...loved me enough...to take my blame. Jesus has saved my precious baby.
I will see my baby again. PRAISE GOD ALMIGHTY I WILL SEE MY BABY AGAIN!!
I wish you could feel this joy and see the tears streaming down my face right now. I am so in awe of the amazing goodness of God.
I am a twenty-something woman with cerebral palsy who has been following Christ for thirteen years. I married my amazing husband, Jason, in April of 2008, and I feel so blessed by God to be his wife! My ambitions in life are to glorify God in everything I do, to be the wife that Jason deserves, and to put my all into raising and loving our sons here on earth, Jonathan and Gabrien.
Soli Deo Gloria!
