Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Baby Gone?: Reflections on Easter

It has now been 72 days since we found out Jeremiah was gone from us and 86 since Jesus carried him home. In the grand scheme of things, I guess that isn't very long, but I swear I've lived a lifetime since then. My doctor gave the ok on February 22nd for Jason and I to start trying for another baby, but we found out on Friday that we need to regroup and give it another shot this month. So there will be no baby this year. On one hand, I am relieved that this year will be Jeremiah's, but part of me was so hoping that my first trimester with our next baby would be through by Jeremiah's due date, which is how it would have been if we had conceived last month. I'm very nervous about not being pregnant when Jeremiah's due date, June 1oth, comes because I know friends who are due right around that time; and I don't know how I'm going to handle pictures of them and their little ones if I am not on my way to having a sweet baby to fill my empty arms as well. My goodness, I would have been 30 weeks pregnant this past Thursday if he were still with me... That means in the same amount of time from now that it's been since we lost him, he would be here. But he isn't here, and he won't be. There will be no breastfeeding him or smelling his sweet baby skin or watching him smile for the first time or hearing his sweet little voice say "Mama" or watching Jason learn to take care of him. I would give up sleep for a thousand nights if it meant that I could spend those sleepless hours holding him and watching him breathe and listening to his heartbeat. God forgive me if I EVER complain about not sleeping enough because of taking care of our children or about all the things I don't get to do because my time is taken up with them.

Just writing these thoughts down makes me feel like my mind is teetering on the brink of going crazy. There have been moments over the last ten weeks when I have honestly felt like I was losing my grip on reality. Mothers are not supposed to outlive their children. Miscarriages are not supposed to be a threat after the first trimester. Babies at 18 weeks are not supposed to be strong enough to twist their umbilical cords so much that their mothers' blood and food and oxygen cannot get to them. I know why these things happen in light of Genesis 3, but my eternal soul also knows that creation was made for more than this. This violates every quiet sense of God's original and ultimate design for His people. And screaming, "It is not supposed to be like this!!" does not weaken my faith because I believe with all of my heart that, when I think that way, God agrees. He wants more than this for us and is working all things together to save us from this mess that the Fall has created. Even the Son of God wept at the death of a friend. He, as the Creator of All, knew better than anyone ever will how true it is that IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!

His completely divine and completely human heart broke at death. And then He did what only He could do. He rose Lazarus from the dead. He reached into the depths of the Curse and reversed death. How gloriously symbolic! If that had been the only miracle Jesus had done in front of the people, it would have been enough to scream of what He was determined to accomplish on the Cross: "I, alone, am able to rescue you from the eternal death your sin has brought upon your souls, and I will do it. I will give up my life and rise from the dead so that you can LIVE FOREVER! I will forever shatter the hold of the Curse on those who will follow me as Lord. Those who physically die IN ME will now be granted the right to dwell in absolute Goodness and Joy and Peace and Fulfillment FOREVER because there will no longer be any separation between God and His people as the result of sin. I will pay the price so that My people can be free of the Curse FOREVER."

My sweet Jeremiah was not old enough to hear the story of Christ and accept Him by faith as His Lord. So what does this mean for him? Screw academic theological debate. My mommy heart will not and cannot be satisfied with half-argued, half thought through, uninvested academic opinions and feel good, "funeral one-liner," pat answers that let people off the hook on very real, "where the rubber meets the road" issues. I realized shortly after we knew that Jeremiah had died that, in all my time at Northwestern, I had never once heard a convincing BIBLICAL argument for infant salvation. Enough people had thrown around the tired phrase "age of accountability," but I had never been shown biblical support that children before a certain age are covered by Christ's sacrifice even though they have not been able to volitionally claim Him as Lord. And, honestly, I had never taken the time to search what the Bible had to say myself because it didn't matter much to me.

But it matters now. More than I can possibly help you to understand.

By God's amazing grace, He sent a man named John Walker into my life. John is the minister of discipleship at Beech Haven Baptist, where Jason and I attend church with Jason's parents, and John gave the sermon at Jeremiah's memorial service the day after he was born. On the second of February, Jason and I went in to talk with John about references in his sermon to Scriptural support for infant salvation. There were three passages that he pointed us to, but one in particular has left no doubt in my mind that my baby is waiting for me and that Jason and I will see him again and live with him forever on the New Earth.

The passage is Deuteronomy 1: 20-40. Before I include it here, let me summarize the Old Testament story. The book of Exodus outlines the slavery of God's people, the Israelites, to the Egyptians. The harshness of their slavery caused the Israelites to cry out to God for deliverance, and He sent Moses and his brother Aaron to lead the people out of Egypt. Because Pharaoh would not let the people leave, God sent a progression of plagues on the Egyptian people while obviously protecting His own people to prove His power as the One True God. These plagues culminated in God declaring that every firstborn in the land of Egypt would die on a single night unless the people were set free. Pharaoh's heart was hardened; and, before sending the last plague, God instructed His people to kill a lamb and paint their doorposts with its blood so that the angel of death would "pass over" their households and not take their firstborn children. Every firstborn in the land of Egypt died that night except for those of the households whose doorposts were covered by the lamb's blood. As the result of this, Pharaoh finally released the people, and they fled as far as the Red Sea. Shortly after they left, Pharaoh changed his mind and sent his army out after the Israelites. They found Israel at the shore of the Red Sea. The Israelites were certain they would be killed and cried out to God.

It was then that God parted the Red Sea. His people walked through on dry land; and, when the Egyptians attempted to follow, the Sea came down upon them, and they all drowned. And, so, God saved His people from slavery to the Egyptians and promised them a good land that He would give them as their inheritance if they kept His commands. Over the next forty years, God led them through the wilderness with His presence in a cloud during the day and in fire at night. During those forty years, the Israelites rebelled against God in every way imaginable; and, when they reached the edge of the land that God was going to give them, they chose not to believe God's promise that He would be with them and defeat every enemy they encountered. Even after spies had returned saying that the land was good, the people gave into fear and did not put their faith in God. As the result, God declared that no one but two faithful men, Joshua and Caleb, along with all of the children who did not yet know right from wrong, would be allowed into the Promised Land. The rest of Israel turned back to the wilderness.

Deuteronomy 1: 20-40 tells the story of the choosing of those who were allowed into the Promised Land:

²⁰And I [Moses] said to you [the Israelites], 'You have come to the hill country of the Amorites, which the LORD our God is giving us. ²¹See, the LORD your God has set the land before you. Go up, take possession, as the LORD, the God of your fathers, has told you. Do not fear or be dismayed.' ²²Then all of you came near me and said, 'Let us send men before us, that they may explore the land for us and bring us word again of the way by which we must go up and the cities into which we shall come.' ²³The thing seemed good to me, and I took twelve men from you, one man from each tribe. ²⁴And they turned and went up into the hill country, and came to the Valley of Eshcol and spied it out. ²⁵And they took in their hands some of the fruit of the land and brought it down to us, and brought us word again and said, 'It is a good land that the LORD our God is giving us.'

²⁶"Yet you would not go up, but rebelled against the command of the LORD your God. ²⁷And you murmured in your tents and said, 'Because the LORD hated us he has brought us out of the land of Egypt, to give us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us. ²⁸Where are we going up? Our brothers have made our hearts melt, saying, "The people are greater and taller than we. The cities are great and fortified up to heaven. And besides, we have seen the sons of the Anakim there."' ²⁹Then I said to you, 'Do not be in dread or afraid of them. ³⁰The LORD your God who goes before you will himself fight for you, just as he did for you in Egypt before your eyes, ³¹and in the wilderness, where you have seen how the LORD your God carried you, as a man carries his son, all the way that you went until you came to this place.' ³²Yet in spite of this word, you did not believe the LORD your God, ³³ who went before you in the way to seek you out a place to pitch your tents, in fire by night and in the cloud by day, to show you by what way you should go.

³⁴"And the LORD heard your words and was angered, and he swore, ³⁵ 'Not one of these men of this evil generation shall see the good land that I swore to give to your fathers, ³⁶except Caleb the son of Jephunneh. He shall see it, and to him and to his children I will give the land on which he has trodden, because he has wholly followed the LORD!' ³⁷Even with me the LORD was angry on your account and said, 'You also shall not go in there. ³⁸Joshua the son of Nun, who stands before you, he shall enter. Encourage him, for he shall cause Israel to inherit it. ³⁹And as for your little ones, who you said would become a prey, and your children, who today have no knowledge of good or evil, they shall go in there. And to them I will give it, and they shall possess it. ⁴⁰But as for you, turn, and journey into the wilderness in the direction of the Red Sea.'

So what does this have to do with Jeremiah being in Heaven? Please let me show you the symbols in this!

1. Slavery in Egypt: symbol of humanity's slavery to sin
2. God passing over the households who wiped the blood of a lamb on the doorposts: symbol pointing to Jesus shedding His blood so that those who follow Him as Lord will be saved from Hell and eternal separation from God and, therefore, everything good
3. The Israelites wandering in the wilderness with evidence of God's love, provision and leadership all around them: symbol of humanity's inability to follow God through its own power; symbol of every person's innate rejection of God even though evidence of Him and His faithful love is SO CLEAR
4. The Promised Land: symbol Heaven and God's people's eternal home, the New Earth

If we follow this symbolism, the land that the Israelites were led to stands for HEAVEN AND THE NEW EARTH! And who were let into the Promised Land by God? Joshua and Caleb, who were faithful to God (symbolizing all those who claim and follow Christ as Lord), AND the little ones and children who did not yet know good from evil (vs. 39). Now, I love symbols, and I believe with all of my heart that the interpretation of the symbols above is accurate and that God included such symbols to help us understand His redemptive work in history. And I think it is EXTREMELY significant that God would make a point of including the Israelite children who did not yet know right from wrong (good from evil) in the small group that got to enter the Promised Land. I think I can safely conclude from this that children who don't yet know good from evil are covered by Christ's work on the cross and are, therefore, welcomed into the kingdom of Heaven even though they are not yet able to understand the gospel message and accept Christ as Lord.

That got a little academic sounding, I know; but you must believe that I'm not just spouting head knowledge. THIS MEANS THAT OUR SON IS ALIVE IN HEAVEN WITH CHRIST AND THAT I WILL SEE HIM AGAIN!!! THANK YOU GOD!!!

Tomorrow is Easter Sunday, and it is set aside for believers to celebrate Christ's sacrifice on the Cross. Because of Him, death has lost its sting, and there is now a way for us to live with God and, therefore, everything Good and Right and Just and Perfect and Wonderful and Extraordinary and Joyful and Liberating FOREVER!

And guess what? That includes my baby. *sob* Jeremiah is safe and alive and I will see him again because Christ loved us enough...loved me enough...to take my blame. Jesus has saved my precious baby.

I will see my baby again. PRAISE GOD ALMIGHTY I WILL SEE MY BABY AGAIN!!

I wish you could feel this joy and see the tears streaming down my face right now. I am so in awe of the amazing goodness of God.

PRAISE GOD!