Letter to Jeremiah

My sweet Jeremiah,
This past Thursday, June 10th, marked the day that you were estimated to arrive to us; and it is still so hard to believe that you are never going to be here alive this side of heaven. You've been on my mind so much over the last week, and I wish somehow that I could hold you again. I miss you more than I can possible tell you, Sweetheart. Not a day goes by that I don't find myself thinking about how things would have been if you hadn't been taken from us so soon. I am at peace with God's decision to take you home, but the sadness is still so overwhelming sometimes that I feel like it will destroy me. Having your picture on the necklace that I made and wearing it every day is such a comfort to me. It hangs right near my heart, and the symbolism of that is so meaningful. The necklace often brings a smile to my face because, even though I leave your picture turned in toward my body when I'm at work, I can't tell you how many times each week I look down and find you faced out toward the world. This is a small, quiet gift from God to me because I WANT YOU TO BE SEEN AND KNOWN BY EVERYONE. It was hard for me to stop the tears from flowing this last Thursday because the world has gone on; I look around at the bustle around me, and it's clear that the people milling about don't know about you. There is such a longing in me for everyone to deeply understand how important you are and how much this world has lost by you not being here, but I realize that I can't hold this against anyone. They have no way of knowing apart from me, your daddy and our families. And that, I guess, is why I wear your necklace every day. It occasionally gives me opportunities to share your story, and my mommy heart needs that desperately. You remain such an incredibly important and precious part of me, and I am SO PROUD OF YOU.

I'm starting to cry again as I write this, and I'm finding myself wondering how long it will hurt like this. Part of me is hoping that the pain never stops. As long as it remains, I am connected to you somehow; and that is so, so precious to me.

I am pregnant with your little brother or sister right now, and I chose to share the news with everyone on Thursday, YOUR due date; and I hope that's ok with you. In no way does it mean that this new baby can, in any way, replace you, my sweetheart. That would be completely impossible. I just knew that passing your due date without you was going to hurt so much, and I wanted to redeem that pain by sharing the news of the new life God is giving us. Now that I explain that to you, though, I almost wish that we hadn't told about the new baby yet. God has already redeemed that pain without this new baby in how He has shown Himself to be faithful since your death, and maybe we should have just focused on that on Thursday. I don't want to rush past you. I don't want to gloss over your death in favor of happier things because you are worth every moment of sadness to me! However, I believe so deeply that you are now ALIVE in a way I haven't achieved yet, and I trust that you are celebrating the life of your new little brother or sister too. So it's ok for me to move on to celebrating this new baby while holding your memory close, although part of me feels like I'm just trying to quickly get past the pain.Life can be so confusing down here, Jeremiah. I am SO GRATEFUL TO GOD that you will never experience that or the death of someone you love. As the Watermark song says, "Heaven is your home, and it's all you'll ever know." PRAISE GOD! You will never experience the curse of sin apart from the death you encountered while inside of me. You are free and forever will be. How could I want anything else for you than that?? And yet, I do believe that you are waiting to be in my arms again. You and I are connected in a way that no other human relationship can touch, and I believe that you will run to me when I see you again as much as I will run to you. I am so grateful that there is a future in which I can be your mommy "for real." I know it may look quite different than that does down here, but I do believe you will know me as "Mommy." I can't wait until the day that I can hear you call me by that name. There is so much to look forward to on the New Earth with you, and that helps as I navigate your loss now. I don't know how I would cope without the belief that I will see you again and that Christ is holding you for me now.

There is a book called "I Promise I'll Find You" that I bought for you before we even knew you existed, and I want to include the end of it here since I won't have the chance to read it to you.

"And if I had no other way,
I'd walk or crawl or run.
I'd search to the very ends of the earth,
For you my precious one.

So remember this my darling,
For it is very true.
If ever you're apart from me,
I'll search till I find you."

I love you so much, Jeremiah...

~Mommy