To Jason on our fifth anniversary

Sir,

My mind has been spinning over this blog post since Sunday, but I haven't been able to write anything until now because what I want to say is too big.  Whatever I end up saying is going to fall short of what I want you to read, what I want you to know.  Maybe, then, I just need to start simple and stop trying to say everything at once off the top.  What I really want to say the most is

THANK YOU.

Thank you for being God's first.

When I think back to our conversations and correspondence prior to our courtship, do you know what I remember the most distinctly?  The thing that pops into my mind the most is how often you talked about glorifying God.  It's what drew me to you from the very beginning.  It's what made me write this in response to The First Email That Made the World Explode:

"When I say that I care for you, I simply mean that I see so much in you that I respect.  God has used you to clarify for me the kind of godly man that I am looking for, and I want to thank you for being such a wonderful friend and brother to me."

Seven years have past since I wrote that, and knowing you for so much longer and so much more intimately has only served to increase my respect for your commitment to God and for how woven that commitment is into the fabric of who you are.  That fact is, I think, the biggest contributing factor to how secure I feel in our marriage.  I know, without questioning it, that every major decision you make for our family is guided by your desire to do everything to the glory of God.  I am so humbled that God saw fit not only to "clarify for me the kind of godly man that I [was] looking for" through my knowing you but to give you to me as my husband, spiritual leader, and best friend.  Thank you for being God's, Jason!  Thank you. 

Thank you for making Christ's love so tangible to me.

One of the things I love and respect about you the most is that you have a servant's heart, and thinking through all the ways that you quietly serve me and the boys on a daily basis overwhelms me.  I remember sitting near the edge of Lake Johanna one afternoon at Northwestern and trying to convince you over the phone not to consider marrying me because of how much harder my challenges would make your life.  Your response was a calm, assured, "No, I really think I can handle it."  Watching you flesh that out in our marriage has made me realize that God began preparing you for this exact life and the exact demands my physical limitations would put on your shoulders long before we ever met.  You have handled it so well and so humbly that I can't help but tremble before God for how gracious He has been in giving you to me.  You are the most humble and servant-minded man I know, and I AM SO GRATEFUL that you take loving me with God's practical love so seriously.  I have seen this with particular clarity over the last year since my c-section.  I know that my increased pain and difficulty doing things has been hard for you, but you have handled it all so, so well, Sir.  Our sons will learn what it means for a man to love his wife as Christ loves His church by watching you take care of me, and I'm in awe that God would allow my pain to become an opportunity for Jonathan and Gabrien to see Christ in you.  You are such an amazing example for them, Jason; and words aren't enough to tell you how grateful I am that you are their father.  Because of you, our children will not have to look outside our home to see how the Father loves His children.  Thank you.

Thank you for continuing to pursue my heart after saying "I do."One of my most precious memories of "us" is what you wrote at the end of The Second Email That Made the World Explode:

"No matter what, I know God is in control, and His purposes cannot be thwarted.  Additionally, we all want to please Him ALONE because He is Ruler of all things and because He loves us so much, and He is faithful to give us guidance, so there's no reason why we would or should make a wrong decision here, so there is reason to be optimistic about the future, even if the circumstances somehow turn out to be seemingly wrong to us. 

Also, if nothing else, I hope that my attempt at planning to pursue you in the future makes it easier for you to believe there are men who would love to pursue you, and that you are worth great effort!"

What took my breath away as I read that was how you wanted me to know that I was valuable and worth pursuing whether you ultimately gained through a relationship with me in the future or not.  It was about edifying and speaking truth to me, not about manipulating my heart in your favor.  You have been so careful to carry that through into our marriage, and I am so grateful that you are so serious about selflessly helping me feel precious, honored, and beautiful.  You have emphasized your view of me so consistently and tirelessly that I am more comfortable being myself now than I ever have been before, and I always have an awareness of being beautiful to you when I'm with you, even when I don't feel objectively beautiful.  You don't know how much that freedom means to me as a wife and a woman, Jason.  Thank you.

Thank you for our sons and for being such an amazing father to them.
Watching you become a father and grow as one has been such a privilege and a joy to me.  You are an incredible daddy, Jason.  Really, you are.  Your patience and gentleness with them is so wonderful, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that our boys are as sweet as they are because they know they are loved and delighted in by you.  Thank you for enjoying them, Jason!  That may sound like a strange thing to say, but I believe it makes a world of difference that Jonathan and Gabrien know that you like them.  I can especially see it in Jonathan and how crazy he is about you.  Kids don't light up like he does with you unless they know they are loved and liked to the core.  You are doing this right, Babe.  I know you feel like you make mistakes with the boys, but you realize how much you are doing well!  I am so proud of you!  Thank you for taking being their daddy so seriously.  It means SO much to me.  Thank you.



I feel like I could go on and on forever, but I probably should go get ready for our date, huh?  :)  I guess, I just want you to know that I LOVE YOU and that I feel so insanely privileged to be your wife and to have this life with you.  You are more than I deserve, and I am so thankful for your love.  Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for the last five years.  I love walking through this life with you.  Happy anniversary, Babe.  :)

~Ma'am